Oh no.

Here it is. The ever-predictable "I can´t believe it is already June!" blog post. I had a minor panic attack (not really, but enough to make me choke a little on some bread) when this realization came to my mind and slapped it around a bit. As you all well know, I imagined back in August that this would be the longest year of my life. Now of course I can´t hold on to it long enough, as it is slipping away before my very eyes. I am so torn between the self-indulgent part of me who wants to make the most of my time left here in Germany and have some weekend adventures while I am footloose and fancy free, and the logical part of me (which won this weekend) who wants to stay in, be practical, save money for a bit of traveling at the end of my term, and focus on finding a job and housing for the coming Fall. There are two job positions in particular into which I´ve put a lot of effort this week. One is only part-time, but would be an amazing learning opportunity and I would be insane not to accept if by some miracle it is offered to me. I applied for an opening as the Collections Assistant at KU´s Spencer Museum of Art. I won´t go into too much detail, but basically it is the most ideal position I can imagine right now (if only it were full-time, but can´t be too choosy now, can I?). I even feel like I might be fully qualified, but worry that I don´t have enough long-term experiences. I just got a confirmation today that they have received my application and supplementary documents, and they´ll be reviewing this week. The other job I applied for just today is an Admissions Counselor at the Kansas City Art Institute. While I have literally no experience in Admissions aside from giving occasional campus tours and hosting prospectives, this position would primarily require me to travel to art academies, review student art portfolios and applications, critique their work and art proficiency, and communicate my observations with department heads. Sounds alright to me! Again, reviews begin this week, so we´ll wait and see. PLEASE offer me any prayers or support you have right now. I know that I should relax and go with the flow, but I really have worked hard on these two applications in particular (over 12 hours today revising resumes AGAIN, writing cover letters, essays, salary expectations, references, etc.). AH! But all this aside, things will work out. I´m lucky today is a state holiday, so I had time to work more on these things. I´m also looking at random places like Wheat Fields bakery and Waxman Candles. I´m leaning primarily toward living in Lawrence, as I´d be closer to my brother and I do love that community so. Most of my job prospects in pending are also in Lawrence, surprisingly, as I haven´t found too many in KC yet. I need to make a decision quickly as I have modmates in both Lawrence and KC with whom I could live, and they need to start looking for housing now. It isn´t fair to them for me to stay in limbo like this.

Blah blah - enough of these worries. This is my biggest problem lately. As much as I know things will work out in the end somehow, I just cannot allow myself to shove these worries aside and live in the moment. I have less than two precious months left here in Bordesholm (my last day of work will be before July 20), and while I know I´ll have a blast traveling around before my return flight on August 12, I want to do some more exploring in Germany and continue to build strong connections here in Bordesholm and Kiel. I adore the garden house and am quite content staying in my snug little home, working in my garden and biking all day. But I know I should be doing more than that, and will have regrets if I don´t try to get out more. My language skills could use a bit more communication, too.

I have a couple funny stories. First comes from the supermarket last week. I was in the produce section picking out some fine apples, when I hear a booming voice behind me proclaim "MISS AmERica!!!" I turned to see my crazy old neighbor from down the street, who has shouted this to me from his garden nearly every time I walk past. He is a big booming old man, with a round belly, red face, and always wears bright green dirty overalls. I usually just laugh awkwardly, as the rest of the neighborhood gazes, say a short "Moin moin" or "Guten Tag" and go on my way. But this was the first time to actually meet the man in person, in a public place nonetheless. He went on to exclaim how late I always go to bed (apparently he can see my window from his house, great...), and asked if I stay up to watch boxing. Aside from being slightly creeped out, I found the whole conversation quite hilarious. He joked about using lazers to talk to each other, and passed on his greetings to my host parents. This gave me a good laugh for the day, but I am definitely more careful to make sure my blinds are closed now... the farm girl in me still forgets this sometimes! Oh well, it is Germany after all. Nobody cares.

On that note, I had a similar intrusion this weekend. After a morning of yoga, gardening, and moving giant stones I treated myself to a nice long shower. While singing away in my happy steamy stream of water, I was shocked when suddenly the door swung open and Emma Sophie came running inside. This child has absolutely no comprehension of privacy, and no attempts on my part have ever had any impact at all in helping her to understand that some people actually do like to be in the bathroom alone (it honestly doesn´t upset me too much, but I thought I might try to spare some future au pairs!). She thinks it is perfectly normal to stride in to chat while I´m on the toilet, and it is difficult to prevent things like this as none of the interior doors have locks. I´ve kind of given up. But this weekend in particular was a little beyond my comfort. My shower offers little to conceal, as it is completely glass, and when the door to the bathroom is open one can see through the front door and windows into the garden and neighbor´s yard. I could hear Paul Luis and his friend Marlon playing in the garden, and I told Emmi to close the door quickly! She went on begging me to come outside NOW to help her hold her bunny (on loan from Harry). I said she´d have to wait until later, to which she started bawling and threw a tantrum, running away and leaving all my doors wide open, of course. Oh, that child. Sometimes my sacred weekends in my safe house are just an illusion!

I have also had some really sweet moments with the children lately, and have a feeling that they are starting to sense that I won´t be around much longer. This must be so confusing for children, and I have no idea how to make it easier for them. On one hand I am thrilled to feel so connected to them, and my heart swells so much lately as Emmi frequently snuggles and tells me she loves me, and Paul Luis quietly shows affection in his own ways (letting me win chess, patting my head after one of Emmi´s tantrums, etc.). On the other hand I worry that if I let them get too close they will be severely confused in August when I disappear permanently from their lives. In any case it is too late now, so I´m not going to shut myself off to them or anything. But I have tried to find small ways to prepare them for the change, mentioning my plans for the fall, talking about my family in KS and the farm a lot (so they realize I have another life, too), and discussing things about Natalie, the new au pair for next year. I have no idea if any of this will ease the transition at all, but I am extremely worried about their emotional wellbeing. The last two au pairs were here for less than 6 months each, so the children never really attached to them. And they were only 2 and 3 the last time someone stayed longer than a year, so it was easier for them to move on. I´m really glad that they´ll have the whole 6-week summer holiday to spend with their parents full-time, so there will be stability after I leave instead of an immediate change.

Once again I have written a ridiculously and unnecessarily long post, and must beg apologies. It is time for me to go to bed, but it is impossible for me to try to sleep when the birds are still singing! It is 11:00 and I can still see sunlight on the horizon... (and I can guarantee you that those birds will be singing again as the sun rises before 4:30 a.m.) Oh the North...