New things

I added new music to my profile. Something to pass the time, I guess. Feel free to stop it, if it bothers you. Actually, I think I´ll try to find a way to make it so the music will only play if you want to hear it.... we´ll work on this.

I feel like it has been a while since I´ve written a genuinely worthy post. So here is my attempt. I really don´t have any direction here, so I´ll just start talking about things I´ve noticed lately in my life.

First things first, it is JANUARY. From the beginning, if I was ever having a difficult day (or week), I kept telling myself that if I just make it through the winter holidays then everything will be okay. The rest of the year will fly. Well - it´s here now! The holidays have passed, and I did surprisingly well considering it was both my first Thanksgiving and Christmas away from Kansas. Now I am realizing that I am in Month Five of my year in Germany. I feel like I´m at an awkward place now. A part of me is pleasantly surprised at how successful my first few months have been, and I am excited to know that August will be here before I know it (thus my happy reunion with family and friends whom I love and miss). At the same time, I am disappointed that I am still living so much in the past and future. Why did I come here if I was just going to constantly think of home, and the next year ahead of me? I am here in Germany NOW, and there is so much I want to experience before I leave in just half a year. While my language skills are slowly progressing, I am still very frustrated at my lack of ambition there. I feel like if I really made an effort, I could be quite fluent in no time. But instead I keep relying on my short "trick" phrases and survival responses, rather than focusing on constructing original sentences of my own to contribute to conversations. There is so much I have to learn before I leave and forget it all! I will probably just barely be getting comfortable with my skills just before I leave this summer...

In other news, my relationships with the children, family, and friends have become much stronger this last month. As far as the host family goes, I think spending Christmas with them was a very positive experience. I´ve had several special bonding moments with the children, and I feel like I´ve had some very meaningful conversations with Claudia, Torsten, and even Claudia´s brother, father, and mother (even with Jutta´s limited English and my broken German). Paul Luis is still not as forward with his emotions as Emmi (he is the same way with the rest of his family, too), but I feel like I am earning a bit of respect from him. He still can be quite rebellious and angry, yet I also have had some fun teasing moments with the kid. He is very much into magic again, and loves to ask me to sit and watch some new tricks. Emma Sophie hasn´t been throwing as many tanrums as in November and early December. I feel like she is definitely still capable, but I´m figuring out ways to prevent them in advance. Little tricks that aren´t necessarily solutions, but they do make the day pass with much less anxiety. And she is starting to love me as part of the family, which is so rewarding. It is much easier to put up with her difficult moments when I can also remember the long, warm hugs she now gives so freely now. She used to resent me so much, and often would tell me to leave her alone. Which is understandable, I guess. It must be difficult to be a little girl and have a stranger move in to your house for a year as a temporary replacement for your parents. But now she begs me to come play games with her in her room, sing songs, and she even likes to "help" me cook and clean! Last week, we had a monumental first experience when she had a sleepover with me here in the garden house. She asked one night if she could come sleep at my house, and Claudia and I decided to give it a try. I was not excited at all in the beginning. The garden house is my SANCTUARY. Is nothing sacred now?? But around 7:00 there was a little knock on my door, and there she was with her bundle of blankets, books, and stuffed animals. We snuggled in bed and read stories, and she had me sing some lullabies (which I am terrible at remembering - I made up most of the words - she´ll never know, right?). It was actually very sweet. I´m not hoping to make it a weekly event by any means, but I don´t think of the child with utter terror and fear anymore. :)

I´ve also had fun hosting old and new friends here at the garden house. Charles and Bryce (good friends from Bethel who are doing voluntary service in Germany) came for a visit a couple weeks ago. My fellow au pair friends, Nanna and Anna, also enjoy coming to stay for a night or day during the weekends. They live with their host families, and can rarely "escape" the constant noises and demands. I realize now how lucky I am to have my own house. If I am ever a parent, I have no idea what I will do if I can´t have a garden house to retreat to in the evenings and on weekends!! I´m feeling very close to Anna and Nanna (from Britain and Finland) lately. At first I assumed our friendships were more out of necessity than true affection, but now I realize that we have much in common, and I genuinely enjoy their company. We´ve also made a few friends through our language classes, my neighbor Harry, and other random connections. This definitely helps me to feel more at ease with living abroad all on my own.

I am planning a weekend trip to Hamburg later this month with a couple friends. It is also possible that I might meet up with some of the Bethel students in Germany for Merle´s interterm course. My most exciting news is that Oma Jutta won 2 tickets on a ship to Sweden for a weekend trip. She won´t be using them and asked if I´d take them! I think it will be a very brief trip on land, but I think it will still be amazing! Free room, food, and other amenities. I think the ship also has some nice entertainment options, like billiards, coffee shops, bars, and a sauna. I don´t think it is a luxury cruise by any means, but I´ll still take it happily! My only fear is that I won´t be able to find a friend who can come along. People have such complicated schedules lately, and I´ll be so sad if I have to go alone!! But I think Nanna is 80% sure she can go, so let´s cross our fingers!

Well now, there is much more to tell, but I think this post is long enough for now. Take care!